


Feeling You Again

by Anthony_Draws



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Game Spoilers, M/M, Pain, Sadness, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, past chapter 9
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-06 23:38:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8774206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anthony_Draws/pseuds/Anthony_Draws
Summary: !!!GAME SPOILERS!!!Ignis loses his eyesight and can't cope. Prompto tries to help him.





	1. No More Reason to Live

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to a painful journey of feels

 

Breathing heavily through gritted teeth, Ignis sat up in his bed, shaking violently. It had only been a week, but the nightmares made it feel so much longer, made him feel like life had chewed him up and spit back out.

Every night he had to remember the last thing he saw before it was all gone. The blazing hot sword, the flames, the combined pain of cut and burn, the entertained laugh of the chancellor echoing through the halls.

It was like those memories were burned into his eyes now, the only thing he could still see, feel.

He kept his eyes closed, had kept them close since the day everything happened, hoping that one day he would just open them again and would see just fine. But he knew he was just lying to himself.

When something touched his hand, he jumped, then sunk back down into the pillow as he heard the soft voice by the edge of the bed.

“It's fine....just me...”, Prompto whispered before taking the other's hand again, trying to show him where he was like this. He had done it like this all the time now. Trying to show Ignis where he was by guiding his hand in the general direction.

“Same dream again...?”, he asked carefully, rubbing his thumbs over Ignis' shaking hand.

All Ignis could manage was a quick nod.

It was not a dream, they both knew that those memories were more than just a reoccurring dream. But there was nothing they could do about that now.

And Ignis could also already tell how the rest of the night would go. He would reassure his friends he was fine, try to sleep again while Gladio and Prompto took turns looking after him. He would wake up many more times, always just as shocked, in pain and sometimes with his nose bleeding.

That had shocked Prompto at first, but according to Gladio the injury had made it almost impossible for Ignis to cry so the pressure in the end would just rupture the insides of his nose where his tear glands were connected to it, making his nose bleed. For now it was hard to tell but his tear glands actually might have been burned shut.

What Gladio and Prompto both didn't know was the self-hatred Ignis doused himself in now. How he hated himself for being too weak to go through this, how he hated himself for being so slow that this could happen in the first place. He cursed his legs for not moving when he needed them to, cursed his body for not allowing him to turn his head away.

He had never felt this bad just living in his own skin. Like this body wasn't his, didn't belong to him, was not part of his being. This body had not helped him, had let him get hurt like this, had taken his ability to see just like that.

Sometimes he just sat there, scratching his arms, almost ripping the skin off but not caring, trying to get out of this body.

He had always been able to help everyone, he had always been the one people turned to, but now he couldn't even help himself. Everything he stood for, everything he cared about, had been taken away from him. And there was no one else to blame but himself.

Sighing deeply, he curled up once again, trying to just forget about all those things, hoped he would wake up, open his eyes and be fine.

* * *

 

Even a week later, Ignis had still not gotten used to things. No matter how many times Gladio would promise him to help, no matter how many times Prompto tried to cheer him up, he hated his current state and the way his own body felt foreign to him.

Prompto would try to be a responsible driver whenever they needed someone to drive, trying to make Ignis proud, showing him that he was able to do better now. Noctis was still asleep, barely didn't move at all, not offering any comfort for Ignis either. If anything, it only made him wish losing his eyesight would at least have helped protecting his friend from this.

Gladio had been trying his very best to cook for them, but Ignis was not exactly hungry. Especially since Gladio always made piles of meat for dinner, or cup noodles. And thus, he had become rather skinny.

That only added to his condition, making him feel even weaker and more useless, making him despise his body even more. He would be unable to help anyone like this. He could never protect the prince like this, a duty he was born for. He had lost validation, had no more reason to exist.

* * *

 

“Hey there! How are you, hm?”, Prompto cheerfully entered his bedroom, probably to bring him supper. Smelled like cup noodles. With shrimps. For the forth time this week. And it was only Tuesday.

He didn't answer the question, didn't even turn his head towards the door. All he did was sit there, his back pressed against the headboard of the bed.

“Noctis still didn't wake up, but he looks a bit better already.”, Prompto continued, trying to keep the mood up as good as he could. “And Gladio saw a black chocobo today and it lost a feather. It's very soft. I brought it here so you can feel it,too.”

Still not moving from his position, Ignis wondered what the chocobo looked like. He wondered where Gladio had seen it, wanted to see it as well. He had always wanted to see one of those rare black ones. Feathers all felt the same, he didn't care about what it felt like. He wanted to see the bird run around freely.

“You lost weight...”, Prompto suddenly muttered, sounding very unhappy. Of course he had realized that Ignis had barely eaten anything for days now, but it felt so wrong to feed something that gave him so much pain.

“I know you don't feel good, but you gotta eat, Iggy...”

“Don't feel good?!”

Rapidly turning his head towards the other, showing him the pure rage and hatred on his face freely now, he was close to losing it completely.

“I am useless, maimed and have no more reason be! So yes, I absolutely do not feel good and I think I have every right to! Don't even pretend you know what this feels like, because you don't!”, Ignis shouted, his nose starting to bleed again as he tried to get up, standing in front of Prompto now, unable to walk around the unfamiliar room but still willing to pace around to get his anger out.

“This body betrayed me! This is not me!”, he kept yelling, scratching himself over the bare chest as though he tried to rip a cheap costume off.

Prompto tumbled backwards, almost dropping the plate he had brought for Ignis. He had never seen him like this before, in all the years he knew him now, not even once.

As much as he hated to do it, he quietly stepped backwards to get some distance between himself and Ignis, knowing the other wouldn't be able to tell. But he was scared, terrified even.

“I was born to serve the prince, to protect him and gather information for him! This is it! I can't do anymore what I was supposed to do! I have no more reason to live!”, he repeated, waving his hands around and hitting the lamp off of the nightstand.

“Ignis....please calm down...”, Prompto whispered, close to tears. “Please...”

Ignis was touching around in the dark for a while, then grabbed the lamp and threw it in the general direction of where he heard Prompto before, hitting the wall next to his head.

“Leave! Leave me the fuck alone!”

Prompto did as he was told, running outside quickly, trying to bring as much distance between himself and Ignis as possible.

* * *

 

By the time he heard the door close, Ignis realized what he had done. He had willingly taken the risk to hurt Prompto, maybe even blinding him as well, despite knowing how that made a person feel very well by now.

And he had taken too many steps away from the bed, being unable to find it now. So he decided to go for the carpet, just laying down on the ground, rubbing his arm over his face, not even caring he wasn't wearing a shirt to soak up the blood with. So what if he was covered in his own blood? It wasn't the first time anyway.

And once again, he tried to fall asleep, curling up the way he always did now, trying to forget about the things he's been through.

 


	2. Gathering up the pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompto decides that Gladio should not interfere. Things are hard enough as it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting so patiently for the second chapter!! I hope you like it.

 

While Prompto kept his distance, Gladio wouldn't allow Ignis to throw a tantrum and scare the other like that. No matter what happened, Prompto was doing everything he could to help. He had cleaned everything, had looked up how to do laundry, had done what he could to iron, even though he hated dress shirts. Prompto had burned himself at least ten times while ironing, but he only flinched and never complained.

Just as Gladio was about to go down the hallway and give Ignis a piece of his mind, Prompto held him back, wrapping both his arms around Gladio's elbow.

“Don't. I know you hate this, but please. Don't make this even harder.”

Gladio had been sitting with Noctis a lot, had tried to tell him about what happened around him, but he just never found the strength to tell the poor boy that Ignis was giving up on life. It just made caring for Noctis even harder and wore them out.

“Prompto...”  
“No. I will talk to him, I'm sure he regrets this. And I can't let him walk around the room while there is glass on the ground.”

Gladio just shook his head at that. “You know, sometimes I feel like you're too gentle for this cruel world.”

But he wouldn't argue any more. He simply had no energy left to do so.

* * *

 

Prompto slowly walked towards Ignis' room, his hands shaking slightly, but he knew there was no other way to do this.

He didn't want Gladio to know how much Ignis had begun to hate himself. And it would be better if he didn't know about it until Noctis was awake again. Before that, he should stay focused on the young King.

Knocking carefully before opening the door, Prompto whispered his usual “Hey” again. Ignis was still laying on the carpet, pale and skinny, almost looking like a mannequin that had been tossed over. And while that view bothered Prompto and made him feel uncomfortable – after all he had promised to look after Ignis – he decided that it was better for the poor man to sleep.

He quickly slipped into the bathroom to get a towel before collecting the pieces of broken glass from the floor. Luckily Ignis hadn't cut himself. It would've been hard to look after the wound. Ignis refused all sort of touch that lasted longer than a few seconds. And he didn't allow them to touch him anywhere but his hands either.

Prompto had tried to change the bandages that covered Ignis' eyes for the first week, but Ignis began to breathe loudly, shaking and then telling him to get a nurse instead. And after the doctor had decided that the wounds can be out in the open – as long as they didn't get dirty – there was no more reason to touch anywhere but his hands anyway. Ignis applied all the ointments himself now, despite hating the touch of the wounds. But Prompto knew that it was for the best.

Once he had gathered up all the shards, he wrapped the towel around them and threw the bundle in the trash. They could easily buy a new towel. That shouldn't be a problem.

Prompto walked over to the nightstand that Ignis had used to store everything he needed. He wanted everything close and in one place now, except for his clothes, they wouldn't fit. But all other things he needed were in there. That included painkillers, ointments, sleeping pills and more medication for all needs.

He quickly checked the little pill boxes to make sure that Ignis was just asleep and hadn't tried anything stupid. And just as he put everything back in place, happy that they were all as full as they were supposed to be, he saw the little notepad and pen, thrown in the very back of the drawer.

Prompto quickly drew it out from behind all the pills and opened it, being surprised by sketches and variations of recipes. The sketches were clearly a new thing. He had no idea Ignis even cared about that, but in the end it made sense that he cared about the presentation of every meal.

Stuffing the notepad back into the drawer, Prompto turned around and looked at Ignis.

He knew that patronizing Ignis wouldn't help anyone, but maybe he could just...help him a little. After all, Ignis had always protected him and now he had the chance to return the favor.

* * *

 

By the time Ignis woke up again, surprisingly enough not in complete shock after sleeping dreamless this time, the room was entirely dark already. It was hard for him to tell whether it was just the late afternoon or in the middle of the night. But he knew for sure that he should have eaten before as his stomach now felt like it pushed upwards, making his saliva taste sour. As ones stomach does when one doesn't eat properly for two weeks.

But getting food meant leaving the room – a room he already barely knew – and wander around in a place he didn't know at all. He only knew that there were stairs somewhere. Which was already bad enough.

So he would just lay still, trying not to waste energy until Prompto came back with the breakfast. If he did come back at all. Throwing a glass lamp at him was not a good way to thank him for staying up all the time and cleaning the place, but Ignis couldn't take that back now.

But just as his stomach gave off a terrible growl, he heard a knock on the door. He didn't answer it, but carefully pushed himself onto his legs, the fuzzy texture of the carpet now imprinted in pink twirls on the left side of his body.

“Hey, I thought you might be hungry, after all you didn't eat yet.”, Prompto whispered as he came in. Then Ignis heard the clattering of cutlery on what he assumed would be a plate. So it wasn't cup noodles this time.

“I tried to cook for you, so I'm sorry if it tastes weird. But I thought you could use some fresh vegetables. I made, uh, rice with chutney and then some peas and broccoli and corn...but I ate most of the corn already, so it's not that much, sorry.”, Prompto mumbled.

Ignis remembered how he once tried to cook with the others and Prompto had told them about the “importance of taste testing a spoonful of corn or two or five”. At least that stayed the same.

Smiling softly – for the first time in weeks – Ignis slowly walked towards the voice, his feet barely lifting off of the ground still.

“Oh, I'll put it down at the table. Unless you want to eat in bed again?”, Prompto smiled. As if nothing had happened before.

“The table will be fine”, Ignis murmured, suddenly feeling even more terrible about himself and his reaction before.

Prompto quickly put down the plate on the table next to the carpet and then took Ignis' hand to guide him towards it, helping him sit down and even pushing the chair towards the table a little.

“Prompto....about before-”

“It's fine. Things aren't easy right now, but you always put up with me and now I will put up with you. Don't worry, I know you didn't mean it like that.”

That was a lie. While he hoped that Ignis didn't mean it, he was still scared the other might try to hurt him again, maybe even succeed. At first he had even thought about not giving Ignis a fork since that would make a useful weapon, but he decided to try and trust the other. After all he seemed to be the only one trusting Ignis at all right now.

“It tastes great, thank you.”, Ignis smiled after taking a few bites and Prompto began to relax a little. For a second he felt like he could see the food wander down into the other's body. He was so pale, so many veins were visible under his skin now and he bruised easily. His skin color was not even the normal yellowish pink anymore, it leaned more towards a sick, milky turquoise thanks to all the veins. But the food would help. It had to.

Prompto smiled back, despite knowing Ignis couldn't see it, but he was still scared of triggering the next outbreak of anger with whatever he might say.

“I'm sorry about-”, Ignis began, head hanging low all of the sudden. “You know I didn't-”

“I know.”, Prompto just replied, not wanting to go into more detail and remember too much of what happened.

“And...how is Noctis doing?”, Ignis mumbled before finally taking another bite, trying to get rid of the awkward silence surrounding them.

“He's alright, today he turned on his side and he held Gladio's hand. So I guess he's realizing that we're here now. He's getting better.”

“Oh thank the gods...”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and stay tuned! More to come soon-ish.


	3. Losing you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I managed to make this even sadder than the previous chapters? I think? I don't even know....I'm sorry, I swear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the nice comments and messages I have finally sat my ass down to write more so thank you for encouraging me and my bullshit fanfic :DD

Sitting next to Noctis, Prompto gently ran his hands through the other's hair, telling him about insignificant nonsense that happened around them, like the birds outside singing together, Gladio slipping at the beach and sitting down fully clothed in the water, Cor dropping by and Iris convincing him to taste test so many different cookies that he had to take a nap to digest them all and Prompto himself taking pictures of at least thirty different types of fishes.

Despite being asleep, it felt like Noctis was listening. His mouth twitched to a soft smile every now and then and he kept turning towards Prompto.

“You know, we all miss you. I know, you're right here and everything, but we miss your voice and we miss your puns and input.”, Prompto sighed and laid his head next to Noctis'. It wasn't easy without him.

“Cor comes here after every hunt to ask about you. He wants to be there when you wake up. He's worried, too. It's weird, I've never seen him like that.”

He made sure not to mention Ignis, at least not explicitly, trying to make it sound like he was part of the group though, like he was always with them anyway.

* * *

  
  


For two days it had looked like Ignis was getting better, but then he was back to his miserable state and had now lost even more weight, his skin stretching painfully tight over his shoulders and pelvis. He had refused to eat again, had barely spoken. And when Gladio decided to confront him with his behavior, Ignis even locked himself up in his room, had pushed them away even more and had not opened the door since.

Prompto had been begging him to open the door every day, but at the same time felt like he had to keep Gladio from breaking down the door. Ignis was already trying to hide from life and from them enough, no need to make it any worse.

“Ignis, you have to eat. Please, I made you dinner.”, Prompto sighed as he sat down in front of the door, a bowl of soup next to him. But as always, there was no other response than a soft but determined “leave”.

“Ignis, please! I know you want to be alone but at least eat a tiny bit! I'm worried about you!”

Prompto had done some reading, had tried to look up how to make things easier for Ignis, but had only scared himself more. Thanks to their choice of food, Ignis had been consuming too much salt and now that he didn't eat anymore, his kidneys could be damaged badly thanks to that. So no more salt and lots of water were in order. Which he tried to make sure of, but in the end, if Ignis refused to open the door, he couldn't do a whole lot about it.

At the same time, he didn't mean to scare Ignis with those facts. Then again, Ignis might already know those things, he'd been talking about the effects of certain types of food on the body a lot, especially to Noctis, so maybe he was doing this to himself on purpose. That thought just scared Prompto even more and he decided to not take things like this any longer. He couldn't just sit there, waiting patiently for Ignis to kill himself slowly and painfully.

Getting up and going outside, Prompto knew he had to get inside the room somehow, and if that meant he had to climb up there, he would very well do that. The chances of him getting hurt were small, even if he fell, he'd land on grass and he could only fall a couple of feet.

He quickly grabbed the boards on the outside wall and began to pull himself up. His fingers hurt from the small burns he kept getting whenever he was ironing while half-asleep, or when he was cooking and touching the pan by accident, but that didn't matter. He could take care of himself once Ignis was fine again.

Reaching up to the window sill, he tried to find a way of opening the window from the outside. No way he could stay in this hanging position for too long, especially not with the boards being nailed into the wall so tightly that he barely had any grip on them.

Letting go with one hand to push against the window, he immediately realized that he was not strong enough to do this for even just another minute. His arm began to twitch violently, he kept losing his hold on the wall with his feet and the window didn't seem to budge.

Just as he felt like his body forced him to let go, Ignis opened the window, probably confused about the noise. And before he had the chance to do anything about it, Prompto was already inside the room, breathing heavily and running his hands through his hair.

“Okay now....”, he mumbled, still slightly out of breath, but also aware that Ignis would throw him out as soon as he had the chance to. “You can't just hide in here any longer and you will eat something today!”

He was met with silence, Ignis was probably angry and annoyed, but as soon as he looked up and finally got a good look at his friend, he knew that none of that mattered.

Ignis looked terrible, his arms and legs were merely twigs, the knees and elbows the widest point on them, everything else was just skin clinging tightly to the bones. The skin on his pelvis and ribs had been scratched down almost to the bone, the wounds have clearly been bleeding and some of them would leave scars.

Prompto felt sick and dizzy, almost disgusted at the view. He knew things had been bad, but he had no idea just how bad.

“Please....you need to eat what I made you, okay??”

There was still no reply, so Prompto just went and unlocked the door, taking the tray and bringing the soup inside.

Ignis didn't seem to care. He didn't move at all, just stood there, defeated, almost looking like a propped up corpse. Every time he took a breath, his ribcage cracked and it looked like the skin was about to tear open on his chest. But at least he was still breathing.

Prompto put the tray on the table before carefully walking over to Ignis again, quickly making sure that there were no possible weapons around. He was still so scared after what happened, even though he wanted to trust his friend. Because they were still friends. To him they were.

Grabbing Ignis' hands, not allowing him to even pull back, he moved him towards the table, making him sit on the chair. Ignis seemed to try and fight him, but was too weak to do much, only whispering soft “no”s and “stop”s.

Putting one hand on Ignis' jaw, Prompto pressed the spoon against his lips, waiting for Ignis to open his mouth before pouring the soup onto his tongue. That was the only way it would work now. Forcing his mouth open with his thumb between his jaws over and over, Prompto made Ignis eat half the bowl before he finally calmed down a little.

“I don't want to do this, alright? But you don't give me any other choice! I don't want to hurt you or force you to do anything!”, Prompto sobbed as he continued feeding Ignis, a little more gently now. “I just don't want to lose you and I'm worried and sad and scared!”

Ignis slowly began to cooperate, forcing spoonful after spoonful down, realizing only now how hungry he really was. The painful hunger that made his stomach twitch and cramp all the time felt like a decent punishment for his body after what happened. He almost forgot what it really meant, that he actually needed the food, that he couldn't starve himself like this. But his body had betrayed him. He deserved this!

“And after this you will take a bath and I will help you, and then you put on fresh clothes.”, Prompto almost demanded, finally letting the other go and feeding him normally. And Ignis didn't dare to talk back. He didn't dare to talk at all.

“And from now on you will eat at least twice every day. And don't try to lock me out again, or I will unscrew the lock and you can't close the door anymore.”

It was mostly the panic speaking out of Prompto, after seeing Ignis like this, seeing how he was harming himself, and he knew that the shiver in his voice gave that away, but it didn't matter. Ignis might as well know about how scared he was.

“And once you look a little better again, we will go and visit Noctis. Because I'm sure he misses you.”

The bowl was finally empty – not that it had been very full to begin with – and Prompto allowed the spoon to just fall into it. Ignis had managed to eat all the soup, he managed to eat for the first time in days, so Prompto wouldn't complain about the amount he ate. He was just glad that he ate at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! I hope you liked it and I hope you don't hate me too much for this~


End file.
